Life Lately

So I just realized I haven't posted anything since our sweet baby girl, Savannah, was born! I guess that shows how crazy life gets!

Caroline is now 4 years and 5 months and Savannah is 21 months! Having thought the entire pregnancy that Savannah was going to be a boy, having 2 little girls has been the MOST fun! Watching them share makeup (chapstick), play with baby dolls, Savannah wearing Caroline's clothes, and so much more has been such a blessing.

We are reminded every day how good God is, how all-knowing,  and all-consuming His love is for us when we look at our girls. 1 John 4:19 says "We love because He first loved us." I never truly understood this verse until becoming a momma and seeing just how much we can love another person. How sweet a gift from God, this ability to love another, unconditionally.

During this uncertain time, with the virus consuming so much of our daily routine and normalcy, I have found it beneficial, necessary even, to focus on the blessings in the midst of chaos.
Yes, I'm sad that...
*I won't be in a classroom setting again with my sweet kindergarten friends.
*Caroline and Savannah aren't seeing their friends and teachers daily.
*I'm not seeing my teacher friends as often.
*I can't plan and do hands-on activities with my students.
*Church is now on-line only.
*We can't fellowship with friends and family as we used to.
HOWEVER...
we now have time to...
*Spend time with our immediate family with no other schedules to keep.
*Be their teacher and pour into them like never before.
*Go to bed later, and sleep later.
*Take naps.
*Read books.
*Ride bikes.
*Go for walks.
*Enjoy life at a much slower pace.
*Know our neighbors.
*Not get "dressed" everyday.
*Start a new TV series.
*Try new recipes.
And on and on and on!

Psalm 52: 9 reminds us, "For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

I was listening to the song today "Blessings" by Laura Story. At the point in our lives after Brad's accident, when life (our new normal) just seemed too much to bear, the thought of not having children being in God's plan for us, this song held so much hope.
Listening to it today, it just spoke to me in a totally different way. We have learned our new normal (as hard as it is), we have kids, and God has provided in ways we could not have imagined. Now, it gives hope in the middle of the chaos with the virus we are now facing. Hopefully, it can also encourage you as it did me!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc&list=PL8tx_rEqZy2ocPhJ1YNgxOQR0mxiYbiLa

Here are some Easter pics!

Dream Realized

As we are coming to the last 2 weeks of our pregnancy (or sooner if baby so chooses) my excitement is growing each day, as is my sadness that this particular phase will soon be at an end. To say this has been a super easy pregnancy is something I don't take lightly. I know others who have struggled the entire time. I have been so blessed to experience a pregnancy and do so feeling good throughout!

We have been very intentional in our time spent with Caroline these last few months. Knowing that she will have a brother or sister is so exciting because she will always have someone to play with. This is something that neither Brad nor my self got to experience. Brad and his brother are 8 years apart and my brother and I are 12 years apart. However, it has made me sad at the same time knowing that the attention will be shared and our time as a family of 3 is drawing to a close.

Each time the baby moves, hiccups, or stretches I am reminded of what an amazing God we serve. Turning sideways in the mirror to see a belly, not being able to bend over very gracefully, clothes growing tight... these are all things I have ALWAYS wanted. I am beyond humbled and grateful that He gave us this chance. It is also such an amazing thought that we have adopted 2 babies, just in completely different forms, and what a story we have to share with others and our children. There are so many ways God chooses to make a family and we are honored to have a story that ONLY points to Him and His love for us!

These are our maternity pictures. Thank you Elena Marchak for the beautiful representation of this time in our lives!

Big Sister Announcements!

After having our 4D ultrasound a few weeks ago, we wanted to do a Big Sister Announcement using those pictures! These are different ideas we found on Instagram. We took these pictures in a house Brad designed for friends of ours, Mark and Kassi! This has been, and continues to be such an exciting time in our lives and for our family. Even though we have seen multiple pictures of the baby, hear the heartbeat, and feel the kicks, it still amazes me that "there's a baby in there". I say this everyday to Brad. Every. Single. Day. As the days pass, I want them to slow, come to a crawl, so we can continue in this phase of life for a while longer...

2 hours and 4 outfit changes later...

On another note, this is a song "You Make It Easy" by Jason Aldean that I first heard over a month ago and sent it to Brad. The words to this song remind me of our relationship and how he makes it easy for me to love him, makes me want to be a better person. The links below are the same song but were made into 3 episodes telling the story. I had not seen the videos until a week ago, and when you watch them, you will understand even more why this song is perfect for me and Brad and why it means so much to us now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVQeYloq04g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvQQAKIfVew

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcwjBtGrgMk

God Gave Us Two

After our 3^rd round of IVF didn’t work, we discussed with the doctor about using a donated embryo from another couple. He said he could do that, but we would need to look into options of finding agencies that matched couples for an embryo adoption. Through an agency we found a couple locally that had embryos they were wanting to donate and we were able to meet with them. We hit it off right from the start and began the legal process of this new adventure. Everything fell into place so easily we just knew it was a sign from God that this was the door He was opening. They had 3 embryos for us to use and the plan was to use 2 for the first transfer and then have the one to use at a later date. However, on transfer day we were told there was only one viable embryo. Devastated, as was our trend on transfer days in the past, we went in praying for the best. 10 days later we did a home test and it was negative. The next day an hCg blood test confirmed the transfer did not work.

To be totally honest, this was the lowest I have been in years. God seemed to open EVERY door with this new option only to appear to SLAM the door so quickly. We were so confused at these results. It just seemed that if God opens doors, His plan should be that things work out from that point. Definitely not the case…

After meeting with the doctor after this attempt, he learned that the clinic could use the donated frozen embryos they had in a bank from other couples who had successfully gotten pregnant from IVF. I asked him if he honestly thought this was a good decision or a naïve decision considering everything we had been through. He thought that up until this point the embryos we had created and/or used were not in ideal condition because of the spinal cord injury and because of having to survive a thaw from the donated embryo. He said if he were in the same situation he would try one more time. We took his advice.

Me wanting to be in control and ready to move forward, I didn’t want to waste any time before the next transfer. However, we learned there would be a funding opportunity for our transfer and we had to wait on the money to come through. This was such a blessing, but I was growing more impatient because the weeks passed and still no money. Why was God making us wait again? He was opening a door for the money but giving us yet another lesson in patience when 8 weeks passed.

Transfer day finally came, October 26^th, and yet again we got news from the lab about the embryos we were to use not looking viable after the thaw. We were told to wait at home another hour and a half and they would thaw another set for us to use. We made it to the clinic and one embryo looked great while the other was taking longer to thaw. We used both of these embryos and prayed fervently for the next 10 days…

11/5/17 (Sunday)

Today is Day 10… completely convinced that the transfer didn’t work last night. I let that realization sink in and we talked about next steps/what to think for over an hour. I cried, we got mad, wondering why we were led to do this yet again just to have it not work. When we woke up this morning we thought we just wanted to get the home test over with. We took the 1^st one and it said POSITIVE!!!! This is something we had waited so long to see that we didn’t know what to think! Then we took a 2^nd and 3^rd test, both saying POSITIVE! What is happening?? We called our parents, totally shaking and in shock! We took another test before bed that night and it said POSITIVE as well! This is crazy!!

11/6/17 (Monday)

Day 11… I went in to the doctor’s office at 8:00 for the official bloodwork test. We needed at least an hCG of 50 to be a strong positive. We got the call at 2:00 that afternoon and our number was 193.9! Absolutely can’t believe this! The doctor and nurse called Brad on speaker phone to tell him the good news! We had gotten so many negatives that I now wanted the doctors to call Brad, so he could tell me if it was bad news.

11/8/17 (Wednesday)

Day 13… Went in at 8:00 for 2^nd bloodwork test. The hCG number needed to double (at least 386). They called at 1:15… our number was 517! Oh my goodness! I still can’t fathom that this is really happening!

11/27/17 (Monday)

Today we are 7 weeks and 2 days. We had our 7 week ultrasound! We were able to hear and see a heartbeat! The baby is only the size of a blueberry but has lips, a tongue, brain, kidneys, heart, and arm and leg buds. It was so surreal to hear the heart beating. It still has not sunk in yet, our new reality! Still very cautious, while trying to be optimistic.

12/18/17 (Monday)

We had our 10 week check in with my regular OB-GYN. I read that there may be movement at this stage so we were excited to see what would happen. The baby was moving all over the place… from one side to the other! This definitely made everything real!

Over the Christmas break we were able to tell our extended families! Brad created a video explaining everything we have done and ended it with the heartbeat and baby movements.

Last week we told all of our church family, co-workers, and I told my students. Everyone has been nothing but excited and supportive, and since I’m already showing it just seems more real to everyone else.

(Back to present day)

We have had 2 check-ups with our doctor to hear the heartbeat and to ask any questions we may have. On Thursday, February 22^nd, we had our anatomy scan. Again, being able to see the four chambers of the heart, brain, lips, spine, feet, and hands was breathtaking. I made the comment to the doctor how amazing this was and how this is just not normal for us! What an amazing experience! It was hard but we don’t want to find out the sex of the baby! This is something we have always talked about doing! We love surprises and what better surprise to have on the baby’s birthday! Although we are realizing that our dream of seeing ourselves in a baby will not happen, we are thrilled at this chance to carry a baby and have this experience. We are also happy that being adopted is something the new baby and Caroline will have in common.

Knowing in our heart this will be our one chance experiencing pregnancy from the very beginning I feel we are taking it in and enjoying this time on a deeper level. Although we are sad that I tear up looking in the mirror at my growing tummy, feeling the baby move, and hearing the heartbeat. These milestones are just so surreal. I am also soaking up as much Caroline time as I can. Even though we are so excited about the new baby, it makes me sad on a level knowing that our time as a family of 3 is about to come to an end. The past 2 plus years have been an amazing adventure with her, but I know it will be fun for her to have a playmate! Such an exciting time in our lives!

One of our favorite pics!

 At the park!

 She was actually saying "trick or treat" at all of the doors this year!

 2nd Birthday!

We can't believe this is happening!

Thy Will Be Done

I’m going to start this post off by saying our IVF attempt was not successful. We got the call Thursday, May 18^th, informing us that our pregnancy test was negative.

Here is the timeline of our last few months…

February 15^th I started birth control. This is always standard procedure so that cycles can become regulated and your body is reacting to a schedule. Birth control has always had negative side effects with me, but I was so excited to be starting something!

March 6^th we were called in for an exam with a specialized scope the clinic only had access to for one day. The scope revealed that I had polyps in my uterus, which we would not have found any other way. After hearing this news, I knew God was leading us down this IVF road a 3^rd time to show all of these complications, but provide a way to fix and go around these so as not to be problematic. I truly felt God saying, “Here you go, I am providing a way.”

April 5^th I had surgery to remove the polyps. This was like a D & C. I was feeling so positive that now nothing was hindering an embryo from attaching, resulting in a pregnancy.

April 7^th we began a daily injection. Shots have always been extremely difficult for me, to get or give to myself. The last round of IVF I remember getting light headed/passing out a few times after giving injections. I was just so excited to be doing the next thing and hoping to be one step closer to our positive!

April 21^st began the stimulating injections, 3 shots a day.

April 25^th was the first appointment after starting stimulating meds. We were told not be discouraged if my body wasn’t responding this early and that usually it takes a few more days to catch up. I was hoping this wasn’t the case because I could already feel my tummy getting swollen and sore from producing more follicles. Well, my body had responded really well at this point and we were seeing great results!

May 3^rd was the egg retrieval. This day always makes me anxious because you have done all the shots and taken all the medicine and all you want are great results (lots of mature eggs). I was very emotional laying on the table before the anesthesia thinking this is our last time; this is it. When I started coming to they told me they got 13 eggs, and by the time I was fully aware they had gotten 19 eggs! Incredible!! In the past they had gotten 7 eggs and then 15 the second time. Over this weekend, they called with updates daily. Of the 19 eggs, 14 were mature and could be fertilized. Over the next 3 days, we expected this number to drop as it had done in the past. However, we still had 14 embryos (3 days later) as of the last update they would do before the embryo transfer.

May 4^th we added the hardest injection yet, progesterone in oil. The last 2 rounds we opted for an alternative way to get progesterone other than the shot. This time the clinic insisted the injection was the only way, and we had already made the decision to do the shot just to try something different, hopefully resulting in a better outcome. Brad became a pro with this! I had always wanted to do all of my injections but this one is harder to reach and I knew I would need help.

May 8^th was transfer day. We went in super excited and eager to see how many embryos we would have left over to freeze. However, when we met with the doctor beforehand, he was very somber. He said that only 1 of the 14 embryos made it to the final stage. To make matters worse, this one and only embryo was not ideal quality. They grade embryos and the best is a 4AA and ours was a 2CD. So of course, I fall apart, when I should be staying calm. My body is supposed to be ready to receive this embryo and I’m crying and very upset. The doctor did say they had seen a pregnancy come from an embryo similar to ours and that it is always a possibility.  

And now begins the 10 day wait… The longest 10 days ever. You try doing everything right. Not lifting heavy things. Taking it easy at home. Resting as much as possible. Getting plenty of sleep. Drinking lots of water. Eating healthy.

May 18^th I go to the clinic before school starts that morning to have bloodwork done. I walk in very emotional, already thinking that this didn’t work, but having to go through with this necessary step. We asked our doctor to call us that afternoon when Brad and I would both be home to hear the results. The clinic called around 5:00 that afternoon to tell us it didn’t work. As devastating as this news is to hear, now for the 3^rd time, God knew what I needed. I had taken Caroline in for her 18-month check-up the day before and she had gotten shots herself. By Thursday afternoon she was clingy and not feeling up to par. As the doctor told us the news, Caroline was sitting in my lap and I just squeezed her a little tighter while I cried, letting the news soak in. Seeing her sweet face definitely softened the blow. We had anticipated this outcome after hearing only 1 embryo made it to the last stage, but still heartbroken to have gone through all the procedures and injections with no baby.

Having these results, we are grateful we were able to do a 3^rd round since it was different from the first 2 rounds. We also know that our embryos can’t continue growing as they should. The reason we had 14 embryos growing as they should through day 3 is because those first few days are dependent on maternal factors. Afterwards, the paternal factor kicks in and our numbers and quality dropped drastically.

Well, now we know that, short of a miracle, Brad and I will not be able to have biological children of our own. Even though this was not the answer we wanted or expected, it is an answer none the less. We still feel strongly about expanding our family so we will see where God calls us and what doors He opens.

Below is a song from which I got the title for this post. This is Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum singing her new song, Thy Will. The words were exactly what I was thinking and feeling as this didn’t work as we thought it should. We have already seen God’s provision since this and are expectant to see Him move!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw&list=RDMMDp4WC_YZAuw

Lyrics

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

 

C's 2nd Easter (17 months)! So far, she hasn't been afraid of any "characters"!

2nd Mother's Day (18 months)!

C's first trip to the beach (19 months)!

Brad is so talented and we were able to get family pics on the beach!

Rise Up

Tomorrow marks the 5 year anniversary of when our lives were forever changed.

We woke up that morning like we always had. I remember exactly what Brad and I were both wearing. I remember giving him a hug and kiss goodbye. That would be my last stand-up hug from him. Something I absolutely took for granted until it was taken away.

My principal at the time and our school counselor came to my room to tell me Brad had been in an accident. My mom came to the school to pick me up and take me to the hospital, the longest ride I’ve ever experienced. We had no idea what to expect. I just remember being so sad for Brad that he had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital by himself. What was he thinking? How bad was it? How much pain was he feeling?

The entire hospital/rehab stay was like we were living in another world. The uncertainty of Brad’s health, not fully realizing how our lives were about to change, terrified every time a doctor came to talk to us.

We have come so far since then. We still have daily struggles: Brad’s daily chronic pain, we feel the challenges of paralysis, the heaviness and finality of an injury of this magnitude, only to name a few. We still feel too young to handle this; missed so much of a “normal” marriage before everything changed.

However, out of the ashes (Isaiah 61:3) have come beautiful things. We have grown stronger in our faith (although we still have days where we question God and feel that He is silent, to be honest), closer to one another, and have our sweet Caroline. We have both said that we would experience it all again, just for the chance to be Caroline’s parents. She is truly our shining light each and every day, and she turns 14 months tomorrow as well.

So today, I want to be sad… 5 years is a long time. We still need days and moments to let it sink in, to feel our loss. At the same time, I also want to have a confident expectation knowing how big our God really is. He is the Author, He sent His one and only Son to die for our sins because He loved us so much, and because of this we should have hope. He is in control and everything He orchestrates is for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwgr_IMeEgA

Please take a minute to watch this video, paying attention to the lyrics. Absolutely hits home. Brad doesn't need me in this way, but it still resonates with me. 

Rise Up

by. Andra Day

You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]
When the silence isn't quiet
And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we'll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
We will rise
We will rise
We'll rise, oh oh
We'll rise
I'll rise up
Rise like the day
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we'll rise up
High like the waves
We'll rise up
In spite of the ache
We'll rise up
And we'll do it a thousand times again
For you oh oh oh oh oh [3x]

Caroline's 1st Birthday!

This baby is such a ham!

Our Christmas card!

Disability, Adoption, and Infertility

8 ½ months have passed since we brought sweet Baby Caroline home! She has been the best gift from God we could ever ask for! We have squeezed her tighter, held her longer, and praised God more often than we ever thought possible. With our journey to parenthood being such a long and arduous one, I am overwhelmed with an appreciation and awe of the Great God we serve! I am also intentionally trying to move at a more leisurely pace as far as moving on to next milestones with her because Caroline could very well be an only child. I am in no hurry for her to eat “real” food, walk, talk, any of these things because I so enjoy each new stage for what it is.

So, the title to this post is something, as a child growing up and as a newly wed, I never thought I would encounter. Let me start this section by saying that in my last post about bringing her home, I mentioned that we wanted to try every avenue for biological children first before pursuing adoption. Thank God He has stirred my heart so that I am extremely grateful that adoption was how our family of 3 started! I have such a love and appreciation for her birth mother than I ever thought possible. I look at Caroline every day and think, “She gave us her baby. She trusted us enough to give us her child that she carried for 9 months.” I’ve never carried a child to fully understand this bond, but my heart cries at how hard and self-less of a decision it was that she made that day.

Saying all of this, we still desire to have a biological child. I feel selfish even sharing this part and this is something that I wrestle with daily. I feel like my “baby blues” should be ‘satisfied’ now that we have a beautiful baby, ungrateful that I still want to carry a child. At the same time, I have settled in with the thought that I will continue to lift praises if a biological child does not happen because we have been given the chance of a lifetime. I have prayed for God to change my heart if this is not His will for our lives and to be able to truly be happy for others who can have children.  For me, it’s more about actually being able to be pregnant and feel a baby growing than it is about having a “biological” child, if that makes any sense. When I see pregnant women, I long for how that must feel and what that must be like. Going through this infertility journey, when I would hear people in passing or through direct conversation say how easy it was for them to become pregnant, or that they weren’t even trying (let alone not nearly as expensive for just a chance) my heart would break (and resentment set in). However, because it was so easy for one person, we are now parents to the most beautiful little baby we have ever known!

Is this my life…?

For the first almost 4 years after Brad’s accident I would often have these surreal moments (and still do) where I would stop and think, “Is this really my life?” Are we really loading wheelchairs into our vehicles, having to call ahead to make sure a venue is accessible before we go somewhere, having a husband who can’t participate in things he used to love to do (golf, bikes, yard work, etc.), deal with chronic pain, etc. One of the things I miss the most is a full body, stand-up hug, his arms wrapped all the way around me. This brings tears to my eyes just thinking of how much I miss this. The last hug I got like this was the morning of his accident before leaving to go to work (I still remember it like it was yesterday). Sometimes it feels like I’m floating above my body looking down at someone else’s life thinking, “When am I going to wake up?”

Now, for the past 10 months, I have been asking myself the same question, “Is this really my life?” but for much different reasons! I can’t even put into words how creative God is and how humbled we are that He chose us to be her parents and chose her to be our daughter. Looking at her it takes my breath away. She will do something new or look at me in this certain way and it really does make my heart skip a beat. So much life and joy has been brought into our lives with this amazing new journey. It’s like Christmas every morning when we get her out of her bed and the most settling of moments when the day is coming to an end and I am rocking a baby in my arms and feeding her her last bottle. What a mighty God we serve!

Going back to the beginning... This was our gender reveal idea for our family! We had them hold the one they thought the baby was going to be!

My sweet, beautiful best friend Claire made these cupcakes for us with pink in the middle! If you just knew what an act of love this was!

Our first family photos. I can't believe she was ever tiny enough to swaddle in these blankets! Thank you Mona Carlisle Owens for the beautiful photographs.

I love everything about this picture... the mouth, the eyes, the little bitty baby, the turtle on her head! 

Kelly, who keeps her during the day, took this and it has become one of our favorites!

Brad made a collage of the many faces of Caroline!

My first Mother's Day! So surreal!

One of our newest family photos! 

I can't even take it with the headband, bracelet, rolls for days on the arms, and blue eyes! She is just too much!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." -James 1:17