I have recently read the book I referenced in my last post,
Joni & Ken: An Untold Love Story. The title for this post is a title of one of her chapters and speaks volumes to me at this point in our story...
Brad and I feel ready, and have prayed for this opportunity, to share our struggles with trying to have a baby.
We began our journey over a year ago, March - May of 2013. We decided we were not going to tell our parents and extended family simply for the surprise factor. Brad and I always wanted this news to be exciting, and thought about different ways we would tell our families when our time finally came.
After consulting with multiple doctors and specialists, due to the type and level of Brad's spinal cord injury, we were told we weren't going to be able to get pregnant naturally. So we decided to proceed with IVF. We had always heard of IVF, but had no idea EVERYTHING it entailed until we were in the middle of it. I had heard bits and pieces of how emotional the process is and how hard it is on the body. You have no idea the extent of these effects until you are giving yourself shots twice a day and your body is going nuts in the process. Everyone tells you, no matter how you are trying to get pregnant, not to stress out. Well, IVF is so closely monitored that you know how your body is responding, good or bad, the entire way. We did our best to hand everything to God and trust in His process and timing. However, we were absolutely sure that this was a fool-proof process, especially at our age. There was no way this wasn't going to work; the thought never even crossed our minds.
The doctor kept saying that, at my age, we should have a pretty good chance at getting an adequate number of eggs, to then be fertilized, and finally to become embryos. We were able to follow our progress via an online portal. Having said that, this tool can be helpful but very stressful at the same time. We were getting updates daily on how many eggs they were able to retrieve (7) and how many actually fertilized. After this step in the process, they go ahead and schedule the transfer of your embryos, not knowing exactly how many they will have to work with. Brad and I were hopeful that we would have at least 2, maybe 3, to proceed with the transfer. However, you're not completely sure how many embryos you have and that they will be transferring until the day of the transfer. Turns out that we only ended up with
one, 1, embryo. We got this news as we were in the operating room and I was getting prepped. Having gone through so much (emotionally, physically, financially) this was devastating news. Yes, we had one but we had our mind on at least 2. We continued with the transfer and waited our
ten, 10, days until we could have blood work to see if we were pregnant. Ten days!!! Are you kidding me? That was the longest 10 days ever! I was taking it easy, laying around the house, trying to be as "stress free" as I could.
On day 10 we went to have my blood taken and my number came back lower than they would have liked, but still not a negative pregnancy number. We went back 2 days later and my number had doubled, but still not as high as it should have been. At this point, Mother's Day 2013, we had our parents and brothers over and told them that we were pregnant! We were told to be cautiously optimistic and told our families this much, but we were all still so excited! Went back 2 days later and they told me that my numbers were not growing like they would like and didn't think this pregnancy would continue. They were right. We had done a full cycle of IVF with only 1 embryo, none to freeze for a later date, and came away with NOTHING. Like I said before, we were positive this was going to work, so you can imagine how upset and lost we were. We went from 7, to 1, to nothing.
After talking with the doctor about options/going forward from this point, we felt God was telling us to do it again, especially with me being out for the summer (June-August of 2013). So, we started the entire process over. The doctor doubled my meds to hopefully get my body to respond better, and it did. This is such a painful process I can't even explain. Now, you have to understand something about me. I
HATE needles, blood work, shots, the whole nine yards. My fear of this made me want to be the only one doing the shots and mixing all of the meds. Brad offered to do these for me, but I wanted to be in complete control. My poor tummy looked like a bruised pin cushion :(
My body responded so well that we had to cut down on some of the meds. On the retrieval day, they were able to retrieve 15 eggs this time! We were so pumped! Twice as many as last time. On our transfer day, we were told they would be transferring 2 embryos this time, but that was all we had, still none to freeze for later. We thought for sure it would work this time, especially with our chances having doubled. Our ten days (more like 10 years!) passed and we had the blood work done again. It still was not a negative test but my numbers were not high. After having one or two more blood tests done, my number did go to a negative pregnancy test. Of course, it happened the first time why not twice? We went from 15, to 2, to nothing.
At this point, having gone through 2 full rounds of IVF in a 6 month period with still nothing to show for it, we were so confused. Hadn't God given us the funds to do this, twice? Hadn't He allowed the timing to work out perfectly with our schedules? Hadn't we been through enough already?
We are learning daily, and very slowly, that God's timing is perfect; He is never late. For the time being, we are completely at peace with waiting. We are enjoying our time together riding bikes, going on a few trips, and growing in Christ. We have learned to press into His Presence like never before and trust that we are always in His thoughts. He knows exactly what is going to happen, and that is such a comforting thought. One day, we will see the bigger picture and hopefully understand why things happened the way they did. Until then, we continue to pray for His guidance and peace. We are excited to see what God has planned for us! Hopefully, we will be parents one day and will be able to reflect on this time in our lives and see/appreciate even more so how far we have come! Hopefully, this is the dark before our morning...!!!
This song brings so much promise and hope... Josh Wilson
Before The Morning:
Do you wonder why you have
to,
Feel the things that hurt
you,
If there's a God who loves
you,
Where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you
can't see
And all those things are
happening
To bring a better ending
Some day, some how, you'll
see, you'll see
Would dare you, would you
dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason
to sing,
'cause the pain you've been
feeling,
Can't compare to the joy
that's coming
So hold on, you got to wait
for the light
Press on, just fight the good
fight
Because the pain you've been
feeling,
It's just the dark before the
morning
My friend, you know how this
all ends
And you know where you're
going,
You just don't know how you
get there
So just say a prayer.
And hold on, cause there's
good who love God,
Life is not a snapshot, it
might take a little time,
But you'll see the bigger
picture
Would dare you, would you
dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason
to sing,
'cause the pain you've been
feeling,
Can't compare to the joy
that's coming
So hold on, you got to wait
for the light
Press on, just fight the good
fight
Because the pain you've been
feeling,
It's just the dark before the
morning
Yeah, yeah,
Before the morning,
Yeah, yeah
Once you feel the way of
glory,
All your pain will fade to
memory
Once you feel the way of
glory,
All your pain will fade to
memory
Memory, memory, yeah
Would dare you, would you
dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason
to sing,
'cause the pain you've been
feeling,
Can't compare to the joy
that's coming
Would dare you, would you
dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason
to sing,
'cause the pain you've been
feeling,
Can't compare to the joy
that's coming
Com'n, you got to wait for
the light
Press on, just fight the good
fight
Because the pain you've been
feeling,
It's just the hurt before the
healing
The pain you've been feeling,
Just the dark before the
morning
Before the morning, yeah,
yeah
Before the morning
 |
| Happy 6th Anniversary from Blue Ridge, GA! |
