Thy Will Be Done

I’m going to start this post off by saying our IVF attempt was not successful. We got the call Thursday, May 18^th, informing us that our pregnancy test was negative.

Here is the timeline of our last few months…

February 15^th I started birth control. This is always standard procedure so that cycles can become regulated and your body is reacting to a schedule. Birth control has always had negative side effects with me, but I was so excited to be starting something!

March 6^th we were called in for an exam with a specialized scope the clinic only had access to for one day. The scope revealed that I had polyps in my uterus, which we would not have found any other way. After hearing this news, I knew God was leading us down this IVF road a 3^rd time to show all of these complications, but provide a way to fix and go around these so as not to be problematic. I truly felt God saying, “Here you go, I am providing a way.”

April 5^th I had surgery to remove the polyps. This was like a D & C. I was feeling so positive that now nothing was hindering an embryo from attaching, resulting in a pregnancy.

April 7^th we began a daily injection. Shots have always been extremely difficult for me, to get or give to myself. The last round of IVF I remember getting light headed/passing out a few times after giving injections. I was just so excited to be doing the next thing and hoping to be one step closer to our positive!

April 21^st began the stimulating injections, 3 shots a day.

April 25^th was the first appointment after starting stimulating meds. We were told not be discouraged if my body wasn’t responding this early and that usually it takes a few more days to catch up. I was hoping this wasn’t the case because I could already feel my tummy getting swollen and sore from producing more follicles. Well, my body had responded really well at this point and we were seeing great results!

May 3^rd was the egg retrieval. This day always makes me anxious because you have done all the shots and taken all the medicine and all you want are great results (lots of mature eggs). I was very emotional laying on the table before the anesthesia thinking this is our last time; this is it. When I started coming to they told me they got 13 eggs, and by the time I was fully aware they had gotten 19 eggs! Incredible!! In the past they had gotten 7 eggs and then 15 the second time. Over this weekend, they called with updates daily. Of the 19 eggs, 14 were mature and could be fertilized. Over the next 3 days, we expected this number to drop as it had done in the past. However, we still had 14 embryos (3 days later) as of the last update they would do before the embryo transfer.

May 4^th we added the hardest injection yet, progesterone in oil. The last 2 rounds we opted for an alternative way to get progesterone other than the shot. This time the clinic insisted the injection was the only way, and we had already made the decision to do the shot just to try something different, hopefully resulting in a better outcome. Brad became a pro with this! I had always wanted to do all of my injections but this one is harder to reach and I knew I would need help.

May 8^th was transfer day. We went in super excited and eager to see how many embryos we would have left over to freeze. However, when we met with the doctor beforehand, he was very somber. He said that only 1 of the 14 embryos made it to the final stage. To make matters worse, this one and only embryo was not ideal quality. They grade embryos and the best is a 4AA and ours was a 2CD. So of course, I fall apart, when I should be staying calm. My body is supposed to be ready to receive this embryo and I’m crying and very upset. The doctor did say they had seen a pregnancy come from an embryo similar to ours and that it is always a possibility.  

And now begins the 10 day wait… The longest 10 days ever. You try doing everything right. Not lifting heavy things. Taking it easy at home. Resting as much as possible. Getting plenty of sleep. Drinking lots of water. Eating healthy.

May 18^th I go to the clinic before school starts that morning to have bloodwork done. I walk in very emotional, already thinking that this didn’t work, but having to go through with this necessary step. We asked our doctor to call us that afternoon when Brad and I would both be home to hear the results. The clinic called around 5:00 that afternoon to tell us it didn’t work. As devastating as this news is to hear, now for the 3^rd time, God knew what I needed. I had taken Caroline in for her 18-month check-up the day before and she had gotten shots herself. By Thursday afternoon she was clingy and not feeling up to par. As the doctor told us the news, Caroline was sitting in my lap and I just squeezed her a little tighter while I cried, letting the news soak in. Seeing her sweet face definitely softened the blow. We had anticipated this outcome after hearing only 1 embryo made it to the last stage, but still heartbroken to have gone through all the procedures and injections with no baby.

Having these results, we are grateful we were able to do a 3^rd round since it was different from the first 2 rounds. We also know that our embryos can’t continue growing as they should. The reason we had 14 embryos growing as they should through day 3 is because those first few days are dependent on maternal factors. Afterwards, the paternal factor kicks in and our numbers and quality dropped drastically.

Well, now we know that, short of a miracle, Brad and I will not be able to have biological children of our own. Even though this was not the answer we wanted or expected, it is an answer none the less. We still feel strongly about expanding our family so we will see where God calls us and what doors He opens.

Below is a song from which I got the title for this post. This is Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum singing her new song, Thy Will. The words were exactly what I was thinking and feeling as this didn’t work as we thought it should. We have already seen God’s provision since this and are expectant to see Him move!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw&list=RDMMDp4WC_YZAuw

Lyrics

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

 

C's 2nd Easter (17 months)! So far, she hasn't been afraid of any "characters"!

2nd Mother's Day (18 months)!

C's first trip to the beach (19 months)!

Brad is so talented and we were able to get family pics on the beach!

Rise Up

Tomorrow marks the 5 year anniversary of when our lives were forever changed.

We woke up that morning like we always had. I remember exactly what Brad and I were both wearing. I remember giving him a hug and kiss goodbye. That would be my last stand-up hug from him. Something I absolutely took for granted until it was taken away.

My principal at the time and our school counselor came to my room to tell me Brad had been in an accident. My mom came to the school to pick me up and take me to the hospital, the longest ride I’ve ever experienced. We had no idea what to expect. I just remember being so sad for Brad that he had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital by himself. What was he thinking? How bad was it? How much pain was he feeling?

The entire hospital/rehab stay was like we were living in another world. The uncertainty of Brad’s health, not fully realizing how our lives were about to change, terrified every time a doctor came to talk to us.

We have come so far since then. We still have daily struggles: Brad’s daily chronic pain, we feel the challenges of paralysis, the heaviness and finality of an injury of this magnitude, only to name a few. We still feel too young to handle this; missed so much of a “normal” marriage before everything changed.

However, out of the ashes (Isaiah 61:3) have come beautiful things. We have grown stronger in our faith (although we still have days where we question God and feel that He is silent, to be honest), closer to one another, and have our sweet Caroline. We have both said that we would experience it all again, just for the chance to be Caroline’s parents. She is truly our shining light each and every day, and she turns 14 months tomorrow as well.

So today, I want to be sad… 5 years is a long time. We still need days and moments to let it sink in, to feel our loss. At the same time, I also want to have a confident expectation knowing how big our God really is. He is the Author, He sent His one and only Son to die for our sins because He loved us so much, and because of this we should have hope. He is in control and everything He orchestrates is for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwgr_IMeEgA

Please take a minute to watch this video, paying attention to the lyrics. Absolutely hits home. Brad doesn't need me in this way, but it still resonates with me. 

Rise Up

by. Andra Day

You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]
When the silence isn't quiet
And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we'll take the world to its feet
And move mountains
Bring it to its feet
And move mountains
And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you [4x]
All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other
And for that we have each other
We will rise
We will rise
We'll rise, oh oh
We'll rise
I'll rise up
Rise like the day
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we'll rise up
High like the waves
We'll rise up
In spite of the ache
We'll rise up
And we'll do it a thousand times again
For you oh oh oh oh oh [3x]

Caroline's 1st Birthday!

This baby is such a ham!

Our Christmas card!