Friday, June 30, 2017

Thy Will Be Done

I’m going to start this post off by saying our IVF attempt was not successful. We got the call Thursday, May 18th, informing us that our pregnancy test was negative.

Here is the timeline of our last few months…

February 15th I started birth control. This is always standard procedure so that cycles can become regulated and your body is reacting to a schedule. Birth control has always had negative side effects with me, but I was so excited to be starting something!

March 6th we were called in for an exam with a specialized scope the clinic only had access to for one day. The scope revealed that I had polyps in my uterus, which we would not have found any other way. After hearing this news, I knew God was leading us down this IVF road a 3rd time to show all of these complications, but provide a way to fix and go around these so as not to be problematic. I truly felt God saying, “Here you go, I am providing a way.”

April 5th I had surgery to remove the polyps. This was like a D & C. I was feeling so positive that now nothing was hindering an embryo from attaching, resulting in a pregnancy.

April 7th we began a daily injection. Shots have always been extremely difficult for me, to get or give to myself. The last round of IVF I remember getting light headed/passing out a few times after giving injections. I was just so excited to be doing the next thing and hoping to be one step closer to our positive!

April 21st began the stimulating injections, 3 shots a day.

April 25th was the first appointment after starting stimulating meds. We were told not be discouraged if my body wasn’t responding this early and that usually it takes a few more days to catch up. I was hoping this wasn’t the case because I could already feel my tummy getting swollen and sore from producing more follicles. Well, my body had responded really well at this point and we were seeing great results!

May 3rd was the egg retrieval. This day always makes me anxious because you have done all the shots and taken all the medicine and all you want are great results (lots of mature eggs). I was very emotional laying on the table before the anesthesia thinking this is our last time; this is it. When I started coming to they told me they got 13 eggs, and by the time I was fully aware they had gotten 19 eggs! Incredible!! In the past they had gotten 7 eggs and then 15 the second time. Over this weekend, they called with updates daily. Of the 19 eggs, 14 were mature and could be fertilized. Over the next 3 days, we expected this number to drop as it had done in the past. However, we still had 14 embryos (3 days later) as of the last update they would do before the embryo transfer.

May 4th we added the hardest injection yet, progesterone in oil. The last 2 rounds we opted for an alternative way to get progesterone other than the shot. This time the clinic insisted the injection was the only way, and we had already made the decision to do the shot just to try something different, hopefully resulting in a better outcome. Brad became a pro with this! I had always wanted to do all of my injections but this one is harder to reach and I knew I would need help.

May 8th was transfer day. We went in super excited and eager to see how many embryos we would have left over to freeze. However, when we met with the doctor beforehand, he was very somber. He said that only 1 of the 14 embryos made it to the final stage. To make matters worse, this one and only embryo was not ideal quality. They grade embryos and the best is a 4AA and ours was a 2CD. So of course, I fall apart, when I should be staying calm. My body is supposed to be ready to receive this embryo and I’m crying and very upset. The doctor did say they had seen a pregnancy come from an embryo similar to ours and that it is always a possibility.  

And now begins the 10 day wait… The longest 10 days ever. You try doing everything right. Not lifting heavy things. Taking it easy at home. Resting as much as possible. Getting plenty of sleep. Drinking lots of water. Eating healthy.

May 18th I go to the clinic before school starts that morning to have bloodwork done. I walk in very emotional, already thinking that this didn’t work, but having to go through with this necessary step. We asked our doctor to call us that afternoon when Brad and I would both be home to hear the results. The clinic called around 5:00 that afternoon to tell us it didn’t work. As devastating as this news is to hear, now for the 3rd time, God knew what I needed. I had taken Caroline in for her 18-month check-up the day before and she had gotten shots herself. By Thursday afternoon she was clingy and not feeling up to par. As the doctor told us the news, Caroline was sitting in my lap and I just squeezed her a little tighter while I cried, letting the news soak in. Seeing her sweet face definitely softened the blow. We had anticipated this outcome after hearing only 1 embryo made it to the last stage, but still heartbroken to have gone through all the procedures and injections with no baby.

Having these results, we are grateful we were able to do a 3rd round since it was different from the first 2 rounds. We also know that our embryos can’t continue growing as they should. The reason we had 14 embryos growing as they should through day 3 is because those first few days are dependent on maternal factors. Afterwards, the paternal factor kicks in and our numbers and quality dropped drastically.

Well, now we know that, short of a miracle, Brad and I will not be able to have biological children of our own. Even though this was not the answer we wanted or expected, it is an answer none the less. We still feel strongly about expanding our family so we will see where God calls us and what doors He opens.

Below is a song from which I got the title for this post. This is Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum singing her new song, Thy Will. The words were exactly what I was thinking and feeling as this didn’t work as we thought it should. We have already seen God’s provision since this and are expectant to see Him move!

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store
So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

C's 2nd Easter (17 months)! So far, she hasn't been afraid of any "characters"!
2nd Mother's Day (18 months)!
C's first trip to the beach (19 months)!

Brad is so talented and we were able to get family pics on the beach!

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