We decided to put off the spinal cord stimulator after having 2 different people tell us about hormone replacement therapy. One guy told Brad through a forum that it dramatically helped his chronic pain and has since gotten off of all of his daily pain meds. Another guy does the same thing but not for pain. It just helps him feel better overall. So we talked with our general physician and he said he would be willing to try this out, but that he had never heard of this helping with pain. So we are a month into trying this with me having to give the injection every 2 weeks. Brad has not seen an improvement so far with the pain but we want to give it ample time to work before moving on to something else.
However, he has been wearing a TENS unit on his chest and back and this has provided some much needed relief. This is definitely not a long-term solution but is working for the time being.
It is crazy the emotions that one human being can experience. One minute you're fine and happy, knowing that everything in life is working out for a specific reason, being ok with the struggles and heartache, and the next minute the what-if's are flooding in and you feel completely overwhelmed, sad, left behind, and angry.
Before the accident, life seemed much more "controllable" than it is now. Now, I know that God is always in control and His plan will always succeed for His glory and our good. There are times though, that we have to repeat this to ourselves even when God feels very far away just to get through the moment. For instance, Brad was recently released from wound care from the initial pressure sore and burns on his leg only to have to return a month later because of another pressure in the same spot. We think it was the cause of getting back into a normal routine a little too quickly, but whatever the cause he is having to go back weekly. Because of this, we will not be able to go to an Adventure Skills Workshop that the Shepherd Center in Atlanta hosts. We were really looking forward to this opportunity to try new things and meet other people who have spinal cord injuries.
Another set of emotions that we often feel is regret...
I found out last week that one of my closest friends is moving away this summer. She has been an amazing friend and provided support before and since the accident. However, she is about to deliver their second baby since the accident, and I have had the hardest time with her second pregnancy. The first time was during the accident and rehab, so we didn't really know all of the struggles that we would soon be facing. Since then it has proven to be quite the challenge and the only way I knew to cope with the second pregnancy was to withdraw. Trying so hard to keep our eyes on what God is doing in our lives, I had to focus on us for a while, knowing all along that she would be there when I was ready. Now, I see this friend every single day so this has been a very difficult feat. I love this friend so dearly, but I just didn't know how to be happy for them when we are still left with so many questions. I would think about her every single day, with the thought that after the baby was born things would go back to our comfortable normal. Now, we won't get that chance to the same extent because of their moving. I am, though, going to be very intentional with my actions until she leaves and look past my sadness to enjoy the time we have left.
So many times I have the thought that "this is not what our life was supposed to look like". Brad should still be playing golf, riding his motorcycle to work and his dirt bike with his dad and brother. He should still be kicking the soccer ball in the backyard with my brother and mowing our yard. He should be the one changing all of the light bulbs and pulling the Christmas decorations out of the attic. He should be able to come up behind me and wrap his arms around me and I should be able to hug him with my head to his chest while he rests his head on top of mine (our last hug like this
was the morning of the accident).
I know from this post that gratitude doesn't seem to be an often-felt emotion, but it honestly is. I am very grateful for friends that are experiencing the same fertility struggles we are, all for different reasons. Some of these friends I have known for many years, while others we have made because of this struggle. Some of these friends have since had babies, while some are still fighting the fight. For this to be such a personal struggle, and one that is not often talked about, these friends have made carrying the burden that much lighter. While having friends going through the same thing at the same time is sad because our struggle is still a common factor, it is an amazing comfort because we are not completely left behind and alone.
This post seems so sad and there are tears even as I write. While I don't want to present a false impression of how we are on a daily basis, most of the time we are excited about what God is doing in and through us. On the other hand, sadness is still a huge part of our lives.
I have recently picked back up in Jesus Calling and here are a few excerpts that continue to provide encouragement...
"I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them."
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." -1 Corinthians 1:25
"The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand... I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me."
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| Us with BJ at his signing day with Hinds!! So proud! |
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| At the in-laws Christmas morning! |
