Graduation and Girlfriends

So, my little brother (BJ)graduated from  high school last Saturday! We are so proud of all of his accomplishments in the classroom and on the soccer field! He is so much fun to be around and always has something funny to say. Whenever we need something he is eager to help. He calls and just wants to come over and hang out. I am so thankful that God blessed us with him 18 years ago! Very much a surprise, but one that I prayed for nightly!

With it being graduation, this time also reminds me of conversations mom and I had years ago. There are almost 12 years between BJ so I guess once I realized what this meant in timing with his graduation and how my life was "supposed" to look, mom and I would talk about the fact that I would "probably have a child or two" by his graduation. I also had thoughts that he is going to make such a great uncle one day and wouldn't it make more sense for us to have a baby while he is still living at home before moving to college? That way he could be an active part in something so great! But the day came and went and there were no children... Other people had lots of kids... crying during the service, running wild, looking super cute in their Sunday best... but not for us.

On a positive note, I want to take the time to say how thankful I am (in a weird, I am not alone kind of way) that my best friend Claire is going through some of the same things I am going through. Our friendship is unique because we were friends long before marriage and infertility. We met in middle school, had sleepovers, celebrated birthdays, bridesmaids in weddings, have taken trips together, and now teach at the same school! But because life is crazy and unpredictable, we have grown that much closer. She was so great to bring meals to us at least once a week when we were in rehab. And since then with different procedures Brad and I have had she has done the same. We love to walk after school which turns into our therapy sessions a lot of days. In our situation, though, God has opened up different doors for both of us. Claire and her husband have felt led to adopt and have recently had their name added to the adoption list! They are so excited about this next step and to see where God leads them. Brad and I are going to continue on the "crazy train" of fertility treatments and options as we feel God is leading us!

I also have another friend (Jill) whom I have met through our blogs who is going through the same thing. They have been on the infertility journey now for years and are still pursuing options. It is so good to have someone to relate to so closely and know that they have been through everything we have. This journey brings so many questions, with very little answers, and having a sounding board keeps you sane. We share our questions about God's goodness through this journey and build one another up when the other is feeling lost and hopeless.

Having these 2 friends has definitely been a God-thing through this part of our life. Even though it is a sad situation that has helped us find common ground, it has been such a relief as well. One should never have to face troubles alone!

On a spiritual journey note...

I have spent the last few weeks feeling that God has been extremely silent. We have had doors open, only to close it seems just as quickly. There are still so many "unknowns" and "uncontrollables" and it feels like we are standing still, but want so badly to move forward and feel closer to God and His will for our lives. I have heard from others that they have experienced these times as well. But when God is being silent, how are we supposed to respond? I feel that I should continue having my "quiet time" but a lot of these times feel more obligatory than out of desire. This is not a good feeling and I just feel crazy and unsettled on the inside. But again, I didn't know what to do with the silence...

Today I have taken the time to sit outside and catch up on devotions from Proverbs 31 Ministries. This has helped tremendously in finding a new perspective on where we are at this moment. (Below are prayers and thoughts from their daily devotions that have spoken volumes to me... Italics are my thoughts)

Dear Lord,
I want to process everything I face in life through the filter of Your love. I  know You love me. But sometimes it's just hard to understand the circumstances that come my way. I find myself consumed with trying to figure things out rather than looking for Your perspective and trusting You.

Control is a deceptive emotion. We think we are in control, but we really are not. 

"Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."  -Philippians 4:8

This verse reminded me that when I begin to think God is silent, out to get us, trying to make things harder... This is not where we need to let our minds rest. In our core, we know these thoughts to be false and from satan. It's because we are human that it's easy to have these thoughts. But they are not helpful in any way and only drive us further from Him. 

"When I open a door, no one can close it. And when I close a door, no one can open it. Listen to what I say."   Revelation 3:7b

God is in COMPLETE control. No amount of planning, researching, stressing, or worrying can change this time we are facing. If God opens it, then it's because He loves us and it's for our best at that time. If God closes it, He loves us just the same, but has something BETTER in mind. How hard it is to think that the disappointments will only lead to something better...!

There have been times when I felt like God was getting in the way of my plans. It seems as if I'd take one step forward and three steps backward.

This completely describes our life over the past 3 years. Pain, fertility, medical complications, you name it.

If God opens a door or calls us to do something/pray for something, shouldn't it be easier?

This thought consumes me most days. Why does everything have to be SO hard? But at the same time, it leads to bitterness, confusion, and anger which get us nowhere. 

Not all of the answers come right away, but I refuse to give up. I keep reading my Bible and asking God the tough questions. I continue to trust Him and follow His lead even when things don't make sense.

After reading this, my answer to God's silence became clear. We have to persevere even when it's hard and quiet. We have to trust because our lives were never promised make sense. This is the essence of faith.

A closed door is not God's objection toward me; it's His sovereign protection over me.

God loves me too much and knows me too well to give me everything I ask for. His protection for me will always override my earthly wants and desires. Even when I have the best intentions in mind, His plan is always better.

Let me see the potential of a closed door as a divine detour that will lead me closer to You as I wait for something better...

These last thoughts are the hardest to understand, let alone apply daily. We will always have some form of difficulty, but God knows what He is doing. My goal is to push into Him even more, even when it doesn't make sense, even when it's hard, even when I don't want to. I don't want all of this pain and heartache to be in vain. I want to see, when we get to the other side of some of these difficulties, my growth in Him. I want our journey to inspire and help others. I want others to feel they are not alone. Jesus is with us EVERY step of the way... even when He is silent.

At our church graduation brunch!

At graduation!

At Iron Horse Grill afterwards!

Reflections

A quick update...

We decided to put off the spinal cord stimulator after having 2 different people tell us about hormone replacement therapy. One guy told Brad through a forum that it dramatically helped his chronic pain and has since gotten off of all of his daily pain meds. Another guy does the same thing but not for pain. It just helps him feel better overall. So we talked with our general physician and he said he would be willing to try this out, but that he had never heard of this helping with pain. So we are a month into trying this with me having to give the injection every 2 weeks. Brad has not seen an improvement so far with the pain but we want to give it ample time to work before moving on to something else.

However, he has been wearing a TENS unit on his chest and back and this has provided some much needed relief. This is definitely not a long-term solution but is working for the time being.

It is crazy the emotions that one human being can experience. One minute you're fine and happy, knowing that everything in life is working out for a specific reason, being ok with the struggles and heartache, and the next minute the what-if's are flooding in and you feel completely overwhelmed, sad, left behind, and angry.

Before the accident, life seemed much more "controllable" than it is now. Now, I know that God is always in control and His plan will always succeed for His glory and our good. There are times though, that we have to repeat this to ourselves even when God feels very far away just to get through the moment. For instance, Brad was recently released from wound care from the initial pressure sore and burns on his leg only to have to return a month later because of another pressure in the same spot. We think it was the cause of getting back into a normal routine a little too quickly, but whatever the cause he is having to  go back weekly. Because of this, we will not be able to go to an Adventure Skills Workshop that the Shepherd Center in Atlanta hosts. We were really looking forward to this opportunity to try new things and meet other people who have spinal cord injuries.

Another set of emotions that we often feel is regret...

I found out last week that one of my closest friends is moving away this summer. She has been an amazing friend and provided support before and since the accident. However, she is about to deliver their second baby since the accident, and I have had the hardest time with her second pregnancy. The first time was during the accident and rehab, so we didn't really know all of the struggles that we would soon be facing. Since then it has proven to be quite the challenge and the only way I knew to cope with the second pregnancy was to withdraw. Trying so hard to keep our eyes on what God is doing in our lives, I had to focus on us for a while, knowing all along that she would be there when I was ready. Now, I see this friend every single day so this has been a very difficult feat. I love this friend so dearly, but I just didn't know how to be happy for them when we are still left with so many questions. I would think about her every single day, with the thought that after the baby was born things would go back to our comfortable normal. Now, we won't get that chance to the same extent because of their moving. I am, though, going to be very intentional with my actions until she leaves and look past my sadness to enjoy the time we have left.

So many times I have the thought that "this is not what our life was supposed to look like". Brad should still be playing golf, riding his motorcycle to work and his dirt bike with his dad and brother. He should still be kicking the soccer ball in the backyard with my brother and mowing our yard. He should be the one changing all of the light bulbs and pulling the Christmas decorations out of the attic. He should be able to come up behind me and wrap his arms around me and I should be able to hug him with my head to his chest while he rests his head on top of mine (our last hug like this
 was the morning of the accident).

I know from this post that gratitude doesn't seem to be an often-felt emotion, but it honestly is. I am very grateful for friends that are experiencing the same fertility struggles we are, all for different reasons. Some of these friends I have known for many years, while others we have made because of this struggle. Some of these friends have since had babies, while some are still fighting the fight. For this to be such a personal struggle, and one that is not often talked about, these friends have made carrying the burden that much lighter. While having friends going through the same thing at the same time is sad because our struggle is still a common factor, it is an amazing comfort because we are not completely left behind and alone.


This post seems so sad and there are tears even as I write. While I don't want to present a false impression of how we are on a daily basis, most of the time we are excited about what God is doing in and through us. On the other hand, sadness is still a huge part of our lives.

I have recently picked back up in Jesus Calling and here are a few excerpts that continue to provide encouragement...

"I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them."

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."   -1 Corinthians 1:25

"The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand... I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me."

Us with BJ at his signing day with Hinds!! So proud!

At the in-laws Christmas morning!

A Series of Unfortunate Events

So... it's been a while since my last post. I often get comments about how much people enjoy reading the blog, only to feel guilty that I haven't updated in quite a while. The thoughts in the back of my mind are that I'm not going to update until there is positive news to share. However, this is not the life that I want to present. To me, that is one of the negative sides of social media. It's all about posting great and fun times in a person's life but is not totally true to all that someone is experiencing. So, here is my post on things that are not great and fun, but have definitely been our reality for the past 5 months...

As you know, Brad had all of his hardware taken out back in July. We were told that we would need several weeks to determine if this removal would help with Brad's chronic pain. Not long after the surgery, Brad got a severe UTI, which is common with paraplegics & he has had his fair share. But this one was the worst by far and we were told to go immediately to the ER. We were taken back to an examining/operating room to wait on the results, thinking the whole time that we would be able to go home later that night. However, the infection had gotten into his bloodstream, sepsis, and we had to spend several days and nights at the hospital. The doctors had to monitor daily to make sure that the IV meds were attacking the virus at an appropriate rate before we could go home. This all happened less than a month after the hardware removal.

After that, Brad was using the laptop at home on the couch. That night while he was getting ready for bed he noticed that he had a pretty good size burn on the side of his leg. The laptop battery on the cord had been pressing against his leg for about an hour resulting in a burn that took at least 2 months to completely heal.

Only a few weeks after the burn we went to Baton Rouge with my family to watch my brother, BJ, play soccer. That Sunday night after getting home Brad found that he had gotten a pressure sore from the lack of air in his cushion (his first pressure sore to date). We have adapted pretty well to the fact that checking Brad's skin on a very regular basis is now a part of life. I guess, though, that we did not check the 2 days that we were gone and a stage 2 pressure sore was the result. This has led to weekly visits to a wound care center, daily changing of bandages, 8 weeks of sitting at home on the couch (working from home) to get all pressure off of that spot, and not going anywhere we didn't absolutely have to for about 10 weeks to try to help the sore heal faster. Craziness!!!

Since this incident, just a few weeks ago, Brad was working in the garage with some tools and got 2 more burns on his legs. Sad to say, I was quick to get upset with him for not being more careful. Brad, being the patient soul he is, explained that he is having to correct 25 years of old habits (putting things in his lap, for instance) that he can no longer feel.

I can't even imagine having to remember and keep up with everything that Brad has to check on a daily basis. It would wear you down to hear all that he has to do everyday, simply as a result of the paralysis just to try to stay as healthy as he can.

There is good news in all of this, though. Because of the pressure sore the doctor was able to look at the laptop burn and treat it, as well as the burns that have just recently happened. I have already mentioned that the laptop burn has healed (still pretty dark though) and we are happy that the pressure sore has just recently completely closed in. However, this spot will be susceptible to skin issues later on so we will always need to be mindful of sitting for extending periods of time. Brad has also gotten a new wheelchair cushion because of the pressure sore so we are hopeful that this will help.

We have since found that the removal of the hardware did not provide the relief Brad was hoping for and the next step is to implant a spinal cord stimulator. This will be leads placed against his spinal cord with a receiver placed towards the bottom and side of his back. He will also have a remote to make adjustments to help with the pain he is feeling at that time. This will not stop the pain but block the signal of pain to the brain. He will have the trial version of this done on January 19 and we will stay over night for monitoring. If he feels that it has helped over the following week, the permanent version will be completed that following Monday. We have known all along that this would be a last resort option as we are now facing this operation. The surgeon feels very confident that this will help with Brad's pain a substantial amount.

God is moving and showing up in other ways in our lives, as well. We are very grateful for these things and for the knowledge that we are never alone (Job 7:19). He is the God who sees us (Gen. 16:13), the God who hears us (Ishmael: Gen. 16:11), and the God who is with us (Immanuel: Matt. 1:23).

Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. This is very much appreciated as we still cope with a new life,  new expectations, and wait for prayers/miracles to be answered.

Brad did an amazing job on our Christmas card, as usual!!

This is one of her favorite spots!

How cute is he??!!

Merry Christmas! 

Attitude In Suffering

Thank you all so much for your prayers, messages, meals, calls, etc. over the past 2 weeks. Being home from the hospital is always welcome! Brad has continued to recover from the surgery at a pretty fast rate, much better than we thought! We won't know if the surgery has helped with the pain from the hardware that was removed or the nerve pain until his body has had time to completely recover from the surgery (about 6 weeks).

However, coming home also brings with it the hard reality that is our life; a former life that has completely changed and a future life that is NOTHING how we ever would have chosen. This surgery, pain from surgery, and increased nerve pain because of the surgery has brought back many painful, unbearable memories and feelings of rehab and the initial shock of our new life. Having surgery is one thing, but being in a chair makes getting around and doing the day-to-day things much harder. Chronic pain on top of this makes our situation very overwhelming. Our thoughts get the better of us some days. It makes us feel so alone because no one we know is going through this exact same thing. These are all just the outward circumstances that can be seen. Behind closed doors are many more feelings and situations that are even harder to accept and deal with it.

We have talked in detail about how our attitudes are a vital tool to how we look at our life now and everything that is involved. We CHOOSE how we react, we CHOOSE whether or not we get angry or turn to God for the help that we so desperately need. We have much more power over our thoughts than I'd like to admit! It's easy to say that because of this or that, this is how I'm going to respond (negatively) because there is no other way to do so. On the other side of this, it is hopeful that we can CHOOSE to have a positive outlook and be thankful DAILY for all that He is doing in and through us.

Another topic that keeps coming up is the fact that when God calls us to do something, and then that fails, that it was still in His plan. This has been extremely hard to consider and accept. If God tells us to do something we think, with our finite minds, that it should work out the first time. Brad and I know definitively that God called us to pursue and follow through with 2 rounds of IVF. For whatever reason, these did not work out but we know they were still part of His plan. John Piper mentions in his book Desiring God that nothing we do can thwart His plan. We believe that if we are praying for His will and guidance, God will give us a peace about what to do and when to do so. When we feel that God is opening doors for a particular situation and allowing peace in our hearts to do something, our prayer has become for Him to close doors if this is not what He wants. Continue to allow peace or close doors. Outside of that, we shouldn't beat ourselves up over His motives, our motives, timing, disappointments, outcomes. He is completely sovereign and knows our every day!

I am reading Nancy Guthrie's book Be Still, My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering (25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain). In the chapter titled Hoped-for Healing, J.I. Packer brings up many good thoughts and examples on how we should look at our suffering. He focuses on Paul's thorn in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). The bulleted list below is from this chapter...

*Jesus' miracles are decisive evidence for all time of who he is and what power he has.

*What God has promised and when he will give it are separate questions.

*But supernatural healings in equal abundance to those worked in the days of Jesus' flesh may not be his will today. The question concerns his purpose, not his power.

*Further it is true that blessing is missed where faith is lacking. But even in New Testament times, among leaders who cannot be accused of lacking faith, healing was not universal.

*Paul himself lived with "a thorn in the flesh" that went unhealed. In 2 Corinthians 12:7-9, he tells us that in three solemn seasons of prayer he had asked Christ, the Lord and the Healer, to take it from him. But the hoped-for healing did not occur.

*It was a distressing disability from which Paul could have been delivered on the spot, had Christ so willed. So Paul lived with pain. The thorn, given him under God's providence, operated as "a messenger of Satan, to harass me" (2 Cor. 12:7) because it tempted him to think hard thoughts about the God who let him suffer, and in resentment to cut back his ministry.

*Such thoughts were "flaming darts of the evil one" (Eph. 6:16) with which he had to contend constantly as the thorn remain unhealed.

*Is there a single servant of Christ who cannot point to some "thorn in the flesh", from which he has prayed to be released, but that has been given him by God to keep him humble, and therefore fruitful? -Philip Hughes

*Paul perceived, however, that the thorn was given him not for punishment but for protection. Physical weakness guarded him against spiritual sickness.

*"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (v.9). It was as if the Savior was saying, "I can demonstrate my power better by not eliminating your problem. It is better for you, Paul, and for my glory in your life, that I show my strength by keeping you going though the thorn remains."

*So Paul embraced his continuing disability as a kind of privilege, "I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me (v.9).

*God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives. Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day. The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually. To live with your "thorn" uncomplainingly, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak, is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit.

This is a lot to consider and I so badly want to think and ALWAYS feel that our suffering is a privilege. However, we are human and self-pity is always going to try to creep in. We are, though, reaching this conclusion faster with each new circumstance than we were a few years ago. Our attitude is a daily, momentary choice...

A sweet little bird family on our back fence! (Look how fat the third one from the left is! Oh my goodness!)

This was from our trip to LSU's botanic gardens. This momma was not too happy with us!

We are obsessed with humming birds!

I don't think we take enough pictures of these two!! 

Birds love our backyard!

He knows the way through the waves

The Reservoir- so peaceful

"Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad- for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world."        -1 Peter 4: 12 & 13

One of the hardest things to deal with, besides the paralysis itself, is chronic pain. We were never told this would be a possibility or concern, so when the pain started getting worse about 6 months after rehab we were taken by surprise. Brad had terrible pain during rehab, mostly from the trauma his body was going through and the lengthy back surgery to stabilize his spine. Since then, the pain has gotten progressively worse. This is a battle that Brad faces daily, minute-by-minute. He has tried all of the meds the doctors can think of, with little to no help. This has been about a 2 year process of trial and error.

Recently, Brad started contemplating the thought of having his hardware removed from his back. Keep in mind that about 90% of people who have hardware like Brad's never have it removed. The surgeon fused his spine above and below his injury level and the rods and screws were inserted to help the healing process and to stabilize the fusion. He was originally scheduled to have the surgery on June 13. However, we weren't sure it was the right move at the time, we wanted a 2nd opinion, and wanted to feel completely at peace with such a major surgery. We wanted God to make it clear that this was something we should or should not do. We prayed specifically for this peace for a few months.

We had the 2nd opinion with another surgeon and he said he would absolutely have the hardware removed, especially considering the amount of pain Brad faces daily. There was no question whether or not he would do it; if it were his son he would recommend having it taken out. Ok, there was our sign from God!

Brad is finally having the surgery this Friday, July 11th. We were told by the surgeon (our original surgeon) that the recovery period should be about 2-4 weeks. We are not under any impressions that this surgery will relieve all of Brad's pain (most of it being neuropathic pain) but we also know that God is capable of doing anything (Matt. 19:26)! We have reached the conclusion that the possibility of relieving some of the pain is worth the surgery and recovery.

We are reminded, daily, that we have so little control of our circumstances and the trials we are facing. We do know, though, that God knows the way through the waves (Joni Eareckson Tada) and the only thing we are called to do is to keep our eyes on Him and trust the process.

Please keep Brad, the surgeon, myself, and our families in your prayers as we face this scary but hopeful next step on our journey...

This book means so much to me. Amazing rules to apply daily!

Happy 4th!

Our first boat ride since the accident!

Joni and Friends Family Retreat

Words can not even describe!!

Brad and I got back last week from our first Family Retreat! This is a retreat for families with disabilities put on by the Joni and Friends organization. This was the first retreat for the Jackson office and it was held at Camp ASCCA in eastern Alabama. We really had no idea what to expect...

We arrived to camp late Monday night so we missed orientation, how meals work, what the schedule would look like, etc. This was particularly nerve-wracking because we went not knowing anyone! The next morning at breakfast we were standing around because the dining hall was completely full of people (very overwhelming)! A nice mom shared with us how the meals were distributed (you sit at a table and the meals are brought to you) so we found a table with 2 spare seats. Everyone was so nice and made us feel right at home.

We looked over the schedule and decided we didn't want to split up into men and women activities for the majority of the day so we joined the young adults/singles group. This was an amazing experience because we met so many amazing campers, STM's (short-term missionaries) and camp staff (the most amazing, eager, and willing to help group of people EVER!!!). We had the opportunity to try the zip-line, zip-tower (taller and a further distance), tubing, pool (for the first time since the accident), putt-putt, and water slide.

On the way to camp Brad and I were talking about what trying all of these activities would look in actuality. We were very skeptical that ALL of these activities would be accessible; they were! We were also not sure how Brad would be able to participate even if they were; the camp staff took charge and told us exactly what to do! To trump all of these concerns was the issue of pride and allowing others to help us when we are so use to doing it all ourselves.

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." -Proverbs 11:2

"A man's pride brings him low, but a man of a lowly spirit gains honor." -Proverbs 29:23

"The end of the matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." -Ecclesiates 7:8

Brad handled the offer of help with such humility, and I let go of my need to be the primary source of help. Because of this, we were able to fully let go and enjoy these 'simple' activities, even if they were done in a way we had never tried before.

The families we met and friends we made throughout the week have left such an impression on our lives. Our eyes have been opened like never before. Once again, the realization that even on our worst days someone always has it worse really brings our suffering into perspective. The truth is God told us there would be trouble. At the same time, He told us not to worry, He had overcome the world (John 16:33). He told us there would be trials and tribulations in our lives, so why are we so taken aback when confronted with these struggles? He lived the perfect life (I can't even wrap my mind around this fact) and died the most horrific death. Because of this we are free in our trials because we know they will not be forever and that we will experience an eternity of 'perfectness'!

While at camp, we were also able to meet such an inspiring couple, also touched by heartache at such a young age, Jay and Katherine Wolf. Being able to connect to another couple who was married at the time of their tragedy (3 years like us) and so young at the time (26 just like us) was such a comfort. We have an amazing support system of friends here at home and that we have met through the accident, but none that we could so closely relate to. Please visit their website and follow their journey as they embrace the ministry they have been called to... www.hopeheals.com

At the campfire with Jay and Katherine!

Brad pulled himself to the top of the zip-line platform!

Excited we got to try something new!

It's finally our turn!

Swimming was a completely new and weird experience; so grateful for the opportunity! Thank you Myra Penn for your help!

We also had the opportunity to meet Judy Spiegle. She was injured when she was 18 and went on to compete in the paralympics!! Such an amazing lady!

Snuck away from the dance for some time alone...!

Getting Brad harnessed up to climb the 90 degree rock wall, really??!! 

With Great Purpose

I have recently read the book I referenced in my last post, Joni & Ken: An Untold Love Story. The title for this post is a title of one of her chapters and speaks volumes to me at this point in our story...

Brad and I feel ready, and have prayed for this opportunity, to share our struggles with trying to have a baby.

We began our journey over a year ago, March - May of 2013. We decided we were not going to tell our parents and extended family simply for the surprise factor. Brad and I always wanted this news to be exciting, and thought about different ways we would tell our families when our time finally came.

After consulting with multiple doctors and specialists, due to the type and level of Brad's spinal cord injury, we were told we weren't going to be able to get pregnant naturally. So we decided to proceed with IVF. We had always heard of IVF, but had no idea EVERYTHING it entailed until we were in the middle of it. I had heard bits and pieces of how emotional the process is and how hard it is on the body. You have no idea the extent of these effects until you are giving yourself shots twice a day and your body is going nuts in the process. Everyone tells you, no matter how you are trying to get pregnant, not to stress out. Well, IVF is so closely monitored that you know how your body is responding, good or bad, the entire way. We did our best to hand everything to God and trust in His process and timing. However, we were absolutely sure that this was a fool-proof process, especially at our age. There was no way this wasn't going to work; the thought never even crossed our minds.

The doctor kept saying that, at my age, we should have a pretty good chance at getting an adequate number of eggs, to then be fertilized, and finally to become embryos.  We were able to follow our progress via an online portal. Having said that, this tool can be helpful but very stressful at the same time. We were getting updates daily on how many eggs they were able to retrieve (7) and how many actually fertilized. After this step in the process, they go ahead and schedule the transfer of your embryos, not knowing exactly how many they will have to work with. Brad and I were hopeful that we would have at least 2, maybe 3, to proceed with the transfer. However, you're not completely sure how many embryos you have and that they will be transferring until the day of the transfer. Turns out that we only ended up with one, 1,  embryo. We got this news as we were in the operating room and I was getting prepped. Having gone through so much (emotionally, physically, financially) this was devastating news. Yes, we had one but we had our mind on at least 2. We continued with the transfer and waited our ten, 10, days until we could have blood work to see if we were pregnant. Ten days!!! Are you kidding me? That was the longest 10 days ever! I was taking it easy, laying around the house, trying to be as "stress free" as I could.

On day 10 we went to have my blood taken and my number came back lower than they would have liked, but still not a negative pregnancy number. We went back 2 days later and my number had doubled, but still not as high as it should have been. At this point, Mother's Day 2013, we had our parents and brothers over and told them that we were pregnant! We were told to be cautiously optimistic and told our families this much, but we were all still so excited! Went back 2 days later and they told me that my numbers were not growing like they would like and didn't think this pregnancy would continue. They were right. We had done a full cycle of IVF with only 1 embryo, none to freeze for a later date, and came away with NOTHING. Like I said before, we were positive this was going to work, so you can imagine how upset and lost we were. We went from 7, to 1, to nothing.

After talking with the doctor about options/going forward from this point, we felt God was telling us to do it again, especially with me being out for the summer (June-August of 2013). So, we started the entire process over. The doctor doubled my meds to hopefully get my body to respond better, and it did. This is such a painful process I can't even explain. Now, you have to understand something about me. I HATE needles, blood work, shots, the whole nine yards. My fear of this made me want to be the only one doing the shots and mixing all of the meds. Brad offered to do these for me, but I wanted to be in complete control. My poor tummy looked like a bruised pin cushion :(

My body responded so well that we had to cut down on some of the meds. On the retrieval day, they were able to retrieve 15 eggs this time! We were so pumped! Twice as many as last time. On our transfer day, we were told they would be transferring 2 embryos this time, but that was all we had, still none to freeze for later. We thought for sure it would work this time, especially with our chances having doubled. Our ten days (more like 10 years!) passed and we had the blood work done again. It still was not a negative test but my numbers were not high. After having one or two more blood tests done, my number did go to a negative pregnancy test. Of course, it happened the first time why not twice? We went from 15, to 2, to nothing.

At this point, having gone through 2 full rounds of IVF in a 6 month period with still nothing to show for it, we were so confused. Hadn't God given us the funds to do this, twice? Hadn't He allowed the timing to work out perfectly with our schedules? Hadn't we been through enough already?

We are learning daily, and very slowly, that God's timing is perfect; He is never late. For the time being, we are completely at peace with waiting. We are enjoying our time together riding bikes, going on a few trips, and growing in Christ. We have learned to press into His Presence like never before and trust that we are always in His thoughts. He knows exactly what is going to happen, and that is such a comforting thought. One day, we will see the bigger picture and hopefully understand why things happened the way they did. Until then, we continue to pray for His guidance and peace. We are excited to see what God has planned for us! Hopefully, we will be parents one day and will be able to reflect on this time in our lives and see/appreciate even more so how far we have come! Hopefully, this is the dark before our morning...!!!

This song brings so much promise and hope... Josh Wilson Before The Morning:

Do you wonder why you have to,

Feel the things that hurt you,

If there's a God who loves you,

Where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light

Press on, just fight the good fight

Because the pain you've been feeling,

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

And you know where you're going,

You just don't know how you get there

So just say a prayer.

And hold on, cause there's good who love God,

Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,

But you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light

Press on, just fight the good fight

Because the pain you've been feeling,

It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah,

Before the morning,

Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

All your pain will fade to memory

Once you feel the way of glory,

All your pain will fade to memory

Memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing,

'cause the pain you've been feeling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming

Com'n, you got to wait for the light

Press on, just fight the good fight

Because the pain you've been feeling,

It's just the hurt before the healing

The pain you've been feeling,

Just the dark before the morning

Before the morning, yeah, yeah

Before the morning

Happy 6th Anniversary from Blue Ridge, GA!